I was shaking..... I cried for a good 5 minutes. I was much more scared than excited. Maybe the test is faulty because it has already expired. I called my husband and he rush home immediately because I was having an anxiety attack. We went and buy a brand new test and also prenatal vitamin for me.
I quickly took a second test and I was trembling and sweating. I can't even look at the result window.
But I did anyway and yet another positive pregnancy test.
The first thing on my mind... what if I lost this one again?
Not a good thought to start your pregnancy.
You see, back in 2009 when I got my first positive pregnancy test, I was over the moon. It never occur to me that anything bad is going to happen. I dream of being a mom, I started to think of names and looking at baby clothes. I was so excited to share the news.
A visit to the dr to confirm my pregnancy and I was on cloud 9. I was happy for exactly one week and then my world turned upside down.
I started to bleed. I panicked and googled. Apparently it is normal to bleed during first trimester which was known as implantation bleeding. I took couple more tests and the line never gotten any darker. I started to worry. I went to my first appointment and I was devastated when they told me that they could not find anything in my uterus. But they assured that it was normal because I have tilted uterus which make it harder to see a fetal pole so early.
They did sent me for a blood test.
I was crying non stop because my bleeding got worse and I started to pass clots. When the beta result was in, they comfirmed my miscarriage.
Misscariage.
Such an ugly word especially when you have waited so long. How can this happen to me? I keep questioning and blaming myself for the loss. I am only human. But I also believe in faith. It was such a hard time to pretend to be strong when you are not.
Im lucky for my husband. We should try again.. he said and this time it will be our take home baby.
Exactly a year , I got my second positive pregnancy test. I am excited but scared at the same time. I mean what is the chance of having recurring miscarriage? pretty low for a healthy woman like me.
Wrong.
It was like a nightmare when I started to bleed again.
Again I was crushed. Words cannot describe how devastated I was. I dont know how am I suppose to survive this loss.
But somehow I did. I believe in faith. This is just a test... I keep saying.
I turned 31 and I realized that all I want is to love a baby. Any baby. I want to be a mother. So bad.
I started to do research on adoption. I want to give unconditional love to a baby in need if I ever got one through an agency.
I am so ready for this , I have all form downloaded, calculating our fund until I realized I was late. and I took a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
Thats how it all started.
I was terrified. I called my mom and my husband and I cried. I was so scared.
My husband rushed home to be with me and I started to feel much better. He took 2 weeks off so that he can be with me.
It was such a scary 2 weeks of my life. Everyday I was checking myself to see if I bleed..... make that every hour.
I never did. I started to feel a tiny bit better.
A month after I found out I was pregnant, my symptoms starting to get stronger. I was gagging and throwing up for 24/7. I was miserable but happy because nausea means that my hcg level are rising.
We went in for our first dr appointment.
I was 11 weeks pregnant. Everything looks great until they try to find a heartbeat using a doppler. Most time you can already hear the baby heartbeat.
They found none. The nurse tried for a good 10 minutes and nothing.
I started to have a sick feeling in my stomach. I almost passed out. It was frightening. They scheduled me for an emergency ultrasound.
I was crying on the way to the ultrasound office. I told my husband that I cant do this anymore, I cant be strong anymore. Im not sure what to think at that time.
The tech told me to lay down and place the transducer on my lower stomach.
Calmly he told me
"That is your uterus, and there is your baby"
YOUR BABY.
I cried. I saw him for the very first time.
My baby. Our baby. Our miracle.
The tech then turned the audio on and with tears on my cheeks I heard the most beautiful sound ever.
My baby's heartbeat.
It was hard to believe that , I have a baby inside me. My miracle baby.
My rainbow baby. After almost 7 years of waiting, I finally have a viable pregnancy.
The first time I saw him. My miracle. I will never forget this moment. I was so in love and still am.
I love you so much Adrian, my son, my miracle.
